Thanks for your truthy* emailed information. However, please
urbanlegends.about.com , factcheck.org
, truthorfiction.com , or any reputable mainstream source. With your fairytale submittal, you
qualified for a Sucker Award Certificate (in 1 of 3 flavors):
Chicken-Little ("The sky is falling!") Award:
Along with the certificate, you also win an
exciting trip through the grocery store checkout line to pick out your favorite
You may present us with the bill for your favorite
tabloid (or fake news website subscription) at the next group meeting. Your only obligation will be to report to
the group as to the meaning of life, as described by your choice of magazines
(please bring it for display), and how it applies to our group. You will also be
entered into our annual Sucker Award contest. Winner of this astounding annual
contest will be judged by quantity and quality of false information he/she
circulates to the group throughout the year. If winner desires, picture of award
presentation may be posted on our website!
this be you?!
If you don't win our annual award, you will be happy to
know that three Sucker Certificates qualifies you for your own personal "Idiot
Identifier" bumper sticker! To have us properly affix this eye-catching
wonder, please first leave your unlocked car in a poorly lit area of your fair
city for three days and then call us for further instructions and a lift in our
"Enterprising We'll Pick You Cleanly Up" limo service to our
"You Can Always Trust Us!" frequently-replenished used car lot.
Our more than fair transportation fare can be
applied to your first purchase! And your car-shopping time will likely be
reduced, as most of our customers, especially those who've lost expensive cars,
are amazed and pleased to find, in our "your-taste-always-in-mind" selection,
cars amazingly similar to the beloved ones they'd just lost! To the first
customers this week we're offering complimentary, rare solid gold coins from the
Chocolate Chip Mint. Feel free to show them to your admiring friends, but
we just ask that, in handling them with only cold hands, you please don't bite,
leave in the sun, bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate!
Please note that this is an equal opportunity contest.
We hope never to send out a
an unsettling, energy-draining 4U's email which is 1. Unsigned,
2. Undated, 3. Unbelievable, and not surprisingly 4. Untrue,
usually upon quick, easy investigation! If
we ever waste your time by sending you on one of these four-engine-false-alarm,
foul-ball-chasing, adrenalin-sapping (no pun intended) wild-goose-chases, let us know and
we’ll buy ourselves some tabloids!!
In thinking a
little more about the Sucker Certificates, it came to us that another option
might be made available: the Nigerian Nobel. However, winners who choose this
option will have to give us their SSN’s, bank info, and a modest down payment
(house title) to cover the handling fee so that the $1,000,000,000,000 Nigerian
Nobel prize can be released! Go for the gold! Why screw around with measly
tabloids?! Act now and get a gold-embossed free copy of "101 Secrets to
Become a Millionaire By Scamming On The Internet," a free bottle of rube-baiting snake oil, and half ownership
of the Brooklyn Bridge (other half can be purchased for only $9.95 cash; limit
only 10 halves per customer)!!!
Note: your Sucker Certificate medal/ribbon can be enhanced by a
beautiful, personal image-enhancing, heroic Hippo
Hypothesis device/cluster. Attaches by solar-powered magnet (required DieHard®
marine batteries sold separately):
Qualifier for Hippo ("crite"
pronounced silently) Hypothesis award is that one doesn't practice what one preaches:
eg, one who collects or seeks one or more government incomes/handouts yet rails against
If hypocrisy is not honest and
"you can't cheat an honest man," then is it any wonder that most never give such
cheated suckers "an even break"?
Well, if applicable, take heart and save big today
with our compassionate Chump Challenge special pricing: Buy 1@$10; 2@$30!
:) :( :)
Please visit our friends at:
www.cartoonstock.com/directory/s/sucker.asp & www.infomercialsucker.com
Click here to send
Nigerian Nobel SSN's, bank details, etc., questions, or sucker nominations.
We found some old coins in our back yard with a "buy and hold" recommendation note from Adam and Eve. Want to buy
one? Includes at no extra charge a genuine, historically accurate xerox of A/E's note! Let us know. We're giving all our
very best friends a big discount off the
regular $10,000 price. After we cash your $9,995.95 cashier's check or
money order, do your friends and neighbors
a favor -- tell them about it, too! They'll love you and think you're very
smart!! Don't wait -- supply is limited, and time's running out -- buy
Let us leave you with
our special "Loons and
Send in your whopper (along with $10 p/h) -- We'll send you
a square circle!
Comes with free ribbon and bow fit for an emperor. Note: only very intelligent
people can see and appreciate it!
"Truthiness is a
quality characterizing a 'truth' that a person claims to know intuitively 'from the gut' or because it
'feels right' without regard to evidence, logic,
intellectual examination, or facts."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truthiness Quote from one
winner: "I don't care what the facts are, it should be true!"
If we'd get a dollar every time we hear someone
(a "self-hating socialist"?) directly or indirectly suck on the government's teat
then yell at "socialist swine,"
we'd be rich!
Maybe almost as
rich as you'll be with all the above special offers!!
:) :( :)
BTW, corporate welfare can sometimes lead to socialism for business,
or Corporate Socialism, which
also goes by the name of Fascism -- aka National
Socialism or Nazism.
Favorite phrase in this realm: "Socialism
for me is not socialism!"
If you're into this, let us know -- our LagerCamp, er factory, makes all sorts
of "Big Lie: Arbeit Macht Frei" lapel pins! These beautiful, genuine
"Fool's Gold" pins are free for volunteers
taking our quick factory tour! In addition, all taking the tour will
not only get to eat their cake but have it, too!
: ) : ( : )
Return to www.bahrnoproducts.com
Copyright 2011-17 W. Bahr; Acknowledgements to image providers.